The theme for my Mothers of Preschoolers group this year is “A Beautiful Mess.” Thursday is our last meeting, and I am one of the speakers. I can think of so many times life feels messy, but I think the worst time for me was when my mom was dying. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. I felt like we grieved for months prior to her death, and that grieving, while less now, continues on… I suppose the hurt of losing your best friend never truly goes away.
God has brought many women into my life who have been dealing with grief as well. So, I felt it was appropriate to address this topic to our group, but from the perspective of a mom… how do we grieve and help our children do the same? I know this blog is usually just photos and fun stories about my kids, but I wanted to re-print the speech I am planning to give, so Benjamin can look back at it one day. I hope he is able to see how we helped him through losing one of the most important people in his life. While I am sure his memories have faded more quickly than ours ever will, he still misses his Nana. In fact, the other day his friend came running up to him yelling excitedly, “Nana is here! Nana is here.” He looked so hopeful for a second, and then he saw that it was her Nana. My heart broke at his crestfallen look. He recovered quickly, but I know he still hopes that someday she might come back from that far away Heaven. Thankfully, as life moves forward, God keeps filling our lives with more people to love, and to love us.
It had been a hellish week of watching my mom slowly die, and as I rolled out of bed the day after Christmas in 2012, I was bracing myself for funeral preparations and more waves of grief and exhaustion. Then, I heard my 3-year-old son running toward me with a little panic in his voice. “Oh No! Mommy! Nana forgot her cell phone!”
It was one of those moments where you have to laugh in the midst of tears. I began another conversation with my son about Heaven and death. We had been having those conversations for months, preparing him to say goodbye to Nana. His questions were many -- most importantly whether there would be train tables in Heaven – but also tough things like when he would die, and how he would die. There weren’t always easy answers, but we turned to the Bible and explained things as best we could to a 3-year-old. And, surprisingly, a 3-year-old is able to understand a lot about life and death.
I never hid my grief, or tried to explain it away. When Benjamin questioned my tears, I told him I was happy that Nana gets to be with Jesus in Heaven, but I was very sad, because I missed her. He would nod his head and snuggle a little closer.
So many times, we want to protect our children from the tough things, but this seemingly terrible experience opened up a dialogue with our son about what is most important in life – his relationship with Jesus. More than anything, we wanted him to understand that death is not final. We explained that we are separated from God because of sin, but he sent Jesus to be our rescuer. When we trust Jesus with our hearts, we are not only ensured a home in Heaven forever, but we also experience God’s love and grace each day.
We spoke so often of Heaven, to Benjamin, it was a place even better than Disney World, which at the time he imagined must be the best place on Earth.
As the months passed by, Benjamin would sometimes notice my tears and say, “Don’t be sad Mama. Nana is in Heaven!” Often he would add, “Do you think she is playing with trains?” He really didn’t want to be left out of the party, and often expressed a desire to join her there. He would randomly tell people, “I want to die like my Nana.” Later, when he started to fear that he was going to die, we would gently remind him that God isn’t finished with him yet, and he likely isn’t going to be dying anytime soon. But, when he did die, Jesus and Nana would be waiting with open arms.
I have loved the “Beautiful Mess” theme of MOPS this year, because life can be a mess sometimes. But, within that mess is beauty. I was a mess with grief, but God used my beautiful children to help me keep moving forward.
And, God provided me with friends and family to help me during the low times. In fact, it was no coincidence that last year, the first day of MOPs, I found myself in a small group of women where more than half of us were in various stages of grief over losing our mothers.
Death stinks. It hurts. But, the reality is, we all are going to die one day, some sooner than others. We all have been touched by death. If you look around, some of you have dealt with miscarriages. Some have watched your babies or children die. Many of you are struggling with the loss of a friend or family member.
Sometimes I feel like everywhere I look there is pain and hurting. But, God doesn’t want us to despair. We can experience hope at the foot of the cross, where God the Father reaches down to us in the midst of our mess and our grief. He grabs hold of our hearts, and reminds us that He has a plan to wipe away our tears forever one day. Until that day, I believe our Great Comforter – our living God -- has given us the gift of peace through the Holy Spirit, as well as comfort from each other. We aren’t meant to go through life alone. When we share our grief, even with our young children, God helps us to find joy in our sorrows, beauty in our mess.
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